Written 4-24-11 Hudson, MI

Do we really control anything?
Where does choice begin?
In youth we are what they make us...some find this awakening early, some very late.
I dont want regrets.
The choices ahead are like stones crushing a thin glass soul.
So much has played a part in where I now stand. Does one grip the doubt? strangle the wahat ifs? or embrace them like beacons of truth?
So much can be said for life and death. A curse or a blessing I know not which. I want to feel every moment...the cold winter wind on my skin, the burn of fire on my fingertips, the damp of a rain puddle on my toes, the heartbeat of s child, the smile of a person wise with years.
I look back and forth unable to tell where I came from the incapable of knowing where to head.
Feeling blessed.
Life is a blessing!
If nothing else comes my way I stand thankful for breath & spirit.
I will find my courage, and I know that someday that which my heart longs for will be fullfilled.

my love story.

There is something deep inside me
Something that would love to believe that which i see
But I am cautious...I will never trust so easily again.
This is why my heart is steel.
it once was a clear shiny bubble ,
completely fragile and see through.
Now it is strong, true but unyeilding,
Only a true flame can soften and melt it.
I know this is possible, thre is one such person out there who has this ability. I know when the time is right I will find them and we will be whole together, this is my love story.

4-24-11 Hudson , MI

This or That

This or That april 24, 2011 ~ Hudson, MI


say this
say that
nowhere between
in the middle
made to fall
built to fly
sayit, whisper
shut your mouth
die to self
choose the free
go the distance
heat the doubt
ni direction
on a path
make a way
give them way
all for nothing
stand for something
cheating death
live by choice
freedom lives
as freedom dies
no regrets
all in vain
here I stand
make a choice pivot time
my heart erase


by Christine R. Stevens

Guitar is love.

Here he is, my new man....bought him yesterday, wanted to buy him the day before but the local shop was closed. Saw him last week and instanly fell in love...you can't tell from the pic but he is a beautiful wood grain red color, my fav color of course. I went into that shop last week to get Nate some drums sticks, saw it and saw the price and just couldn't justify it, but after thinking about it this week, and realizing the one i've been playing on isn't ever going to sound right since my kids damaged the neck, I needed a new one. I bought a case to put him in,...he has no name as of yet, maybe soon when I am inspired. I start lessons next week <3

untitled (atm)

the void that once was is no longer
its passed me by, it once consumed me
eager for every step I took
for so long, ive waited
not really knowing it was
lost, wandering
I still travel the road
but things are different
for once , ive got the compass
it is gold, shiny, powerful
treasure in my hand
hope in my heart of someday finding
that which my heart has longed so desperately for
i know it is somewhere
this steel cannot keep me from it
as cold as it has become
ill never stop believing
wanting
wishing
hoping
and seeking it.
i feel new, and im almost ready

I see the light ~Lyrics

All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know
If she's here it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog is lifted
And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you, now that I see you

i heart this.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat, or will stay awake to watch you sleep, wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you're just in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who thinks that you're just as pretty without make-up on, one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you...The one who turns to his friends with a smile and says, "She's the one!"
(~unknown)

yep, i ate it.

I just ate a huge cheeseburger and fries...and i dont feel one bit sorry or guilty about it ;)

Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven

I love this song.

what lies ahead ~ By Christine R. Stevens

life does not stop for this
the trail does not wane
the water does not calm for it
the mind does not cease
a heart does not bend to it
the soul it is unwaivered
through thick and thorn it passes
the ground does not give way
the wind it sees the heart of it
it carries it away
its journey is not known by them
a life thats swept away

sometimes its about me.

Things I am working towards atm:

1. getting my personal training cert.
2. reading more and being online less
3. keeping up and perfecting my fitness routine even more so
4. learning my guitar, although atm it is out of commision my children busted it, here is hoping I can get it fixed.


things that are upcoming for me:
leg surgery this week
new ink in the future after said leg heals (2-3 weeks)
leg surgery on other leg
a hiking trip by myself in early June I think

Spring or something like it

I am so ready for nice weather. This has by far been the longest winter of my life. it didn't help that we literally had 2 solid months of non stop snow. Dont get me wrong, Im not a complainer by nature, and I love the seasons a lot, but being cooped up inside with nothing to do with the kids has been maddening at best.

The weather is slowly getting warmer, but not to my liking. I want 50 degrees and better now please! While I can be patient about many things, this is one of those things thats difficult to be patient about. Im ready to get out and run! I managed to squeeze in a trail run last week and it was pretty muddy but being it was high 40's it wasn't too disagreable.

There is a huge to do list on my plate right now as well, first and for most finish the kitchen redo. We have counter tops left to put in, knobs to put on, painting to finish on my cabinets, and the back splash to figure something out on. I've also got 2 kids rooms upstairs that need the paint finished from LAST year. Needless to say things feel a bit undone over here. After that the big tree out back has now seen its day, or at least Im hoping I have enough $ to help it go that direction haha. It has gotten so enormous that it covers over 3/4 of my big yard and I can't have my garden, which is not ok. I am not huge into my garden but i like fresh veggies in the summer. It helps keep our grocery bill down and there is nothing like my fresh homemade salsa. I didn't even make it last year because the only tomatoes I attempted to grow were in the upside planters and those things are not Chris friendly! I have 2 garden boxes in the back of the yard, i want to use them...tree has got to go.

Also after many years of not having, and wanting but not getting due to possibly selling and moving we are finally getting a swing set. My kids are thrilled...all 8 of them lol. The plan is a wooden one as the metal ones do not last, but we shall see, the wood ones are pricey. Hoping I can find a sale somewhere.

Im excited for the nice weather so I can take my kids walking around the lagoon, go on nature hikes at Sterling, and the Metro parks, and of course the beach. Oh the blessed beach, it is calling my name but it feels so far off right now. Today is is chilly and cold outside. Its early spring i realize but winter is fighting to stick around and quite honestly Im ready to see it leave 3 weeks ago like the silly ground hog said it would.

Clear begginings.

beautiful to the eye
caught up in it
a shadow of truth yet drawn
I covet what is before me


we cant escape that which is deep
an invitation to be
in the dance
we long for

this place wreaks of familiarity
signs in stone
written as warning
across an open heart

the longing takes murk and gives clarity
is it truly what it seems?
or am I seeing that
which i hope is true

long years of ache brought me here
path of thorns fought well
a curse perhaps
upon the vessel

steps are easy upon shiny clean glass
it matters not when there is so much to fill
i wish it were not so
but cannot escape my hearts emptiness

give in to it
a reservation of being shattered
yet to risk is minute by minute
for one last promise, true love

but a fool i am for it
a heart that knowingly seeks
give a last breath
walk, follow fates beckoning

Make over time, inside and out.

Its been awhile since I posted anything of real substance on here and a lot has changed since then. Funny how the older you get you grow under this assumption that you can't possibly learn or change more than you already have. I don't think I will ever believe that about myself ever again for the rest of my life.

Anyway the point being that its time to make over this blog, and while this coming week I've decided to stay off my normal online venues, I've also chosen to dedicate a little bit of my time here each day saying exactly what I think and sharing exactly where I am at right now. There might even be pictures...as bad as I've been in the past at doing them I now have this handy little tool called a Droid that uploads better pics than my regular digi camera, no joke (and its easy, which is a huge plus).

I can't wait to share some of the things I am learning about myself, who I am and who I believe I've been all along only have hidden in order to please everyone but myself.



"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."
~ Judy Garland