It's all about me.

That's right....this post IS going to be all about me ;) (I don't get a lot of that these days trust me!!).

I am assuming that since I posted the link to this on my facebook that I'll have visitors over here who either don't know me real well, or haven't known me in awhile. Because of that i figured it might be good to start this whole thing off by posting a little bit about myself, not only to share who i am, but that so there won't be any surprises later on ;)

The idea behind the name of this blog is a long story of which I will now share a shortened version. I have spent a good portion of my life hiding bits and piece of myself from others. I'm not sure why I did (do) this, other than it is a protection mechanism I learned from an early age. While I don't generally struggle with self esteem , I do have a hard time saying how I truly feel with other people. Probably one of the greatest fears I have on an on going basis, is the fear of rejection. I could sit here and psycho analyze myself over why,...and i think I know why, but at this point its irrelevant. What matters is, how I am working to overcome that.

The last couple of years of my life, 2009 in particular was a year of reconciling with myself for always hiding who i truly am. I fear that when I have done that in the past, it has appeared to others that I wasn't telling the truth (and maybe that really was the case) when in fact i was simply having trouble sharing the truth, does that make sense?

I've done a lot of soul searching since the conception of my 8th and final child. I have spent more time just listening to God than I think I ever have in years past since my walk with Him began and what I've realized is, I don't have to hide who I am. If people don't like me, oh freaking well. What I need to do, it stop worrying about what others think of my choices, and start focusing on not only being myself, but embracing that self as well. Not to sound heady, but I *like* me....so it only makes sense to let who i am shine through, not only so others can see but also to glorify God. He made me the way I am for a purpose. My life and who i am is not a mistake. What matters is what I do with what I've been given. I no longer fear my past and the power it once held over me, and i no longer doubt that I am where God wants me to be. If my daily prayer is not my will but His be done, I also have to embrace the trust that He will help me to stay on the path he has created for me as well. Fear is the absence of love, and God is perfect love...so where there is fear, God is not. If I fear rejection of others, then I do not have God love in my life, nor do I have it to share with others in a way that is genuine.

The last 2 years I have spent analyzing were my life has led me. My biggest obstacle was becoming a mommy for the 8th time. I truly believe that I am where God wants me....even in my toughest days, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am in His hands and He is leading me.

So...that leads me to say, who is this person God has created me to be? As of right now, this is who I am, the things I like, dislike...and so on and so forth.

I am incredibly pro-woman. I love being a woman and fully embrace it daily. I love being a mommy, however I have days where I don't like it so much and even some days when I want to run away (but just for a little while lol). I love being married, LOVE it. I love it that I have one person on this earth that I feel I can trust with all my inner thoughts. My husband is my best friend. He makes me laugh harder than anyone else I know, and in our life that is one of the most important things you can ask for. I loved having 8 babies with him, and if I had to choose to do it over (as much as I never want to be pg again...EVER lol) I'd do it in a heartbeat. Speaking of pregnancy, I think it is one of the greatest passages of woman-hood. However, as much as I once loved it (and even considered becoming a midwife at one point) I hope and pray to God almost daily still that I never ever ever ever times 1 million ever become pg ever again. LOL I have finally moved on from that stage of my life and have zero regrets. I also feel/believe that if you want more children and you plan to care for them, have as many as you can. You will never regret having had one more, but someday you might regret not having had that last one you wished for.

Let's see....
I am almost 35. I feel like I'm still 18, but the mirror reminds me otherwise. Aging is not something I look forward too. I love tattoo's. I have 3 of them (for now lol). One of my new years resolutions is to get my back/shoulder tatt finished...its in the works, I am working with the artist that did my last one and I can't wait to get it done. I love all kinds of music, but really will only listen to things that have good/positive lyrics. Songs with lots of s*x or trash talking in them seriously make me gag (Katy perry is pretty much off my list, and FTR she has ZERO talent). Speaking of, I've been known to hum a few bars in my day. My kids think I should have tried out for American idol LOL, but even if I could have, I don't think that lifestyle would have suited me. I don't like answering to people and I don't like being told what to do, so...there you have it. My other New year resolutions are 1. take guitar lessons 2. finish losing the weight from having babies (i'm down 35 and have about 30 to go!!) 3. the tatt 4. get my kids on a chore chart and make it stick (this will be the toughest one seriously).

I love food....I love to cook, bake and grill. I'm not as daring as some in the tasting department (a friend of mine is, she knows who she is ;) lol) but I rarely have anything I don't like. I eat meat but on a very limited basis...I usually eat fish and veggies, but will have chicken on occasion and beef maybe once a month, maybe. I call myself a some-uh-tarian LOL. Some people like to say they are veggie and yet they eat chicken....um, that's not vegetarian!! My favorite foods are spicy foods, love peach salsa, seafood of any kind, fresh veggies, and I eat a mostly clean diet. My weakness is cake. It used to be ice cream but I do not consume cow's milk , nor ice cream anymore, it does not agree with me.

My faith is very important to me. I was raised in church, but knew nothing about God until the age of 22 when I became a born again Christian. Since then I have been every Christian denom except for J witness, Mormon or Lutheran. I was Catholic for 5 years, and I still am to a degree. I attend a non denom church right now, I love it, but I still love holy mass and feel that it serves a purpose in my life too. Because of that I am a true believer in the saints. I feel that some protestant faiths could learn a thing or two from the study of them as well. I'd get into why I'm not solely Catholic right now, but the truth is, thats a long hour long post of which I do not have time for because it is 11:30 already and I still need a post workout shower (be glad your reading this and not sitting next to me hearing it in person ROFL) before bed so it'll have to be another day I guess.

I'm a good speller but I type fast and have typos because of it,....and if you don't like it then go read someone else's blog LOL.

I'm outspoken and generally don't take any one's crap...but I'm also one of the most caring compassionate people you will meet. I tend to look past outward behaviors and try to understand others from a behavioral perspective. I do not judge people and their choices, however I do believe in doing whats right (always) and having the right motivations and intentions. I don't believe life is purely black and white on most things, but i also don't like people who make bad choices and blame it on others.

I love people. I am a people person, a people watcher and I tend to be able to read people pretty well by only speaking a few sentences to them (or sometimes without saying a word). I love little people, mainly kids...they make me laugh and I see the purity in their innocence and their simple out look on life. I love watching toddlers have fits (its actually quite entertaining to watch a toddler throw himself on the floor in order to get his way, it makes me wish I could get my way in that manner as well haha!!) and wish at times I could hold all the lonely sad babies in the world that didn't have anyone to love them. If I could have one wish once my children were grown, it would be to do what Mother Teresa did and travel the globe ministering to children who had no families or love (orphans) and just sitting with them and holding them or showing them the love they deserve as human beings and as God's children.

I love adoption, although I've never adopted a child myself. I've always wanted too and prayed about it but have never had the chance. I am very very very prolife....and I am even more outspoken about it, however compassionate to the woman in a crisis pg. I believe that every woman deserves to be cared for when she is pg, and I think the bra burning fem nazi's have tried really hard to convince the women of our country and having abortions (or the ability to have them) makes us equals with men. Thats a lie from the depths of hell. I refuse (personally) to deny who I am in order to conform to society's idea of being equal to men...last time I checked being woman and bearing children was a pretty cool thing, crisis or not. I believe that the pro-abortion movement pits the mother against her unborn child...and I know for a fact that this has effected our society and they way not only women, but children especially are viewed/treated. I once worked for a prolife org called Silent No More, its a good organization that helps women who are post abortive find hope and healing. I have only been to the DC march for life ONCE, but i WILL go back one of these years *sigh* soon.

And with that said, my back hurts from sitting here. I have a 6am wake up call, its back to school in the am!! Have a good night...