~

So much left unsaid. A lifetime of memory fades My heart left wrenched for thought Something lost but not missed Dreams that haunt The depths of my soul Time taken my spirit branded Never again the same The doubt The fear of myself Who am I to be trusted And when is wisdom true and safe again like i once knew Longing for solitude and a place of peace Facing confusion Facing my fears.

It has been far too long...

...since I have updated here. My life is busy. I could sit here and type it all out but there is not enough time and I have to go to bed in a few minutes. What I can say is this...life has taken some very unexpected changes in the last year. I didn't blog about it because it was incredibly personal & challenging at the same time.

However I'm on the brighter side of a huge life transition now, that being a divorce. An ugly word at the very least but in this case something that was necessary for all parties involved. My kids are doing good, as good as can be expected, but are very happy and when they do bring up the difficulties in changes we talk as much as we need too.

When it all ended last year, I took up guitar lessons, and decided to become a certified personal trainer. As of this week I have started my first job.

The biggest news is I have met someone very special to me. I guess you could say the desires of my heart have been fulfilled with an amazing man who not only is good to me and my kids, but tells me i'm beautiful every single day. I am cherished,...I cannot begin to tell you what an amazing feeling that is. He is incredibly funny, outgoing & a leader for our family. I say our family because we are getting married this year...I am so happy!!! :)

Thats all for now, I'll try and update sometime in the near future, maybe some pics, and maybe some more details when time allows <3

Joy Williams - I'm In Love With You

The Civil Wars "Forget me not"

I love Joy Williams and ive recently fallen in love with TCW's...one of my favorite songs by them...

summertime update.

Summer is insane! I dont think I could fit anymore into my schedule as I find myself simply wanting to relax and enjoy my kids being home. That said...I will not miss the mess they leave come fall.

School is going well, finding time to study has its challenges however with the kids being home but thankfully i squeeze in a little here and there.

I leave for TX in August for sucess school for Advocare, i'm really excited as the last SS was full of info and I recall how fired up i was on the business end once I returned. I have an Advocare events im attending tonight, and I'm doing a health fair in early August through my local gym, looking forward to sharing the op with others and helping people attain their health/fitness goals.

In other news i have approximately 24 days left to train for the warrior dash...for those of you that aren't aware of what that is its a 5K run with obstacle courses thrown in. I signed up about a month ago and not thinking clearly choose a 4pm time slot, soooo needless to say I've started running the dead heat of the afternoon to get my body accustomed to heat/humidity of July. So far so good. I'm still weight training 2 days a week as well and i'm so thankful for the Advocare products I take as they seriously up my game. My goal is to not only finish but not finish LAST lol. I'd like a personal time best, however its going to be hard to gauge because of the obstacle courses. O well. I'm esssited ;)

The kids and I have only been to the beach twice this year, this is not ok with me lol, hoping to get there a few more times the next few weeks. The good thing is they swim/play I study. I'm really anxious to get this schooling done as I miss reading Poe and I've yet to read the newest (or even purchase!) Charlaine Harris Sookie Stackhouse novel. I've promised myself I will not buy it until I'm done. (discipline lol)

I wont be updating much here training wise, if you want too read up on that go here:

http://bodyspace.bodybuilding.com/babymama7/



and with that said I'll leave w a quote I fell in love with this morning...

"We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves."
~Lynn Hall

How to cut thru steel.

Journey to a thousand ends
a vision made so clear
what once I knew now how it ends
now sure of where I walk

the hallowness inside the shell
these walls were made of steel
somehow a torch has taken too
the breaking of the seal

this flame that burns it came to me
an unexpected gift
my heart not sure of it at first
but now I see the warmth

my mind it beckons me to wake
it cautions me in thought
to open that which never has
and give what time has lost

i've longed for this a thousand years
if years were kept in beats
to speak that which my heart sings now
is more than words can bring

i can't go back, not turn away
from that which i've been called
this torch it burns and lights a way
and cracks the steel for love


~CAS

Learning to learn again.

Wow, my brain hurts lol

I've finished nearly 2 units thus far, the first was PAINFUL to put it mildly. Part of it was the way they suggested learning the material does not work for me, so between that and a bunch of terms i am completely unfamiliar with, it took me a whole lot longer than I had anticipated.

Nevertheless, I now feel i understand my way of doing it and the second unit has been much quicker (plus im more familiar with a lot of the terms, mainly stuff i learned in biology/anatomy in HS).

Im hoping to be done before Success school in mid August.

Hippocrates somewhere around 400 B.C....

"Eating alone will not keep a man well: he must also take exercise. For food and exercise, while possesing opposite qualities, yet work together to produce health....and it is necessary, as it appears , to discern the power of various exercises, both natural exercises and artificial, to know which of them tends to increase flesh and which to lessen it; and not only this, but also to proportion exercise to bulk of food, to the consitution of the patient, to the age of the individual..."

ISSA certified bound!

Ordered my certificate training course today, I am STOKED!!!!

Once this is complete I plan to complete the separate course on nutrition, because lets face it...great healthy bodies are made in the kitchen ;)

I'm so super essssited LOL....this is the start of something really great for me <3

And FTR close friends will still get free advice...others, beware its gonna cost ya LOL,...hope you like your bootcamp extra saucy and with results ;)

restless heart ~ by Chris Stevens

Oh restless heart
speak to me
of lessons learned
and those to come

fall far from me
the pain that seeks
to smoother what
lies beneath

the truth beckons fates
of which this path leads
i follow
heart longing

The dream in my heart
never to cease
ill never give up
that which it longs for

hold me now
tear down that wall
an interfacing
of death and life

be still my sacred
you need not jump
fools call
you will not answer

remain pure metal
keep the path
it leads to peace
a tranquil full heart

There must be more
than my eyes behold
to gain truth
you must give it


May 11, 2011

Red - Feed the machine lyrics

Turn around, they might be watching
And you'll never disappoint them
Hide your innocence before they see right through
... you mustn't disappoint them

You need the danger just to feel your heart beat
You need to die just to find your identity
You need the knife just to know that you can bleed
You need the pain now just to feel anything

We fall in line, we live the lie
Give up, give up and feed the machine
It grows inside, nowhere to hide
Give up, give up and feed the machine
... Give up, give up and feed the machine

They pull you faster, the cadence calling
And you never fall behind
So choose a face, you're only crawling now
You mustn't fall behind

You need another death just to have a life to save
You need a master just so you can beg
You need a light just because you're so afraid

Sleep, shhh, go back to sleep
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up


Wake up, wake up and kill the machine
Wake up, wake up and kill the machine
Wake up, wake up and kill the machine

Written 4-24-11 Hudson, MI

Do we really control anything?
Where does choice begin?
In youth we are what they make us...some find this awakening early, some very late.
I dont want regrets.
The choices ahead are like stones crushing a thin glass soul.
So much has played a part in where I now stand. Does one grip the doubt? strangle the wahat ifs? or embrace them like beacons of truth?
So much can be said for life and death. A curse or a blessing I know not which. I want to feel every moment...the cold winter wind on my skin, the burn of fire on my fingertips, the damp of a rain puddle on my toes, the heartbeat of s child, the smile of a person wise with years.
I look back and forth unable to tell where I came from the incapable of knowing where to head.
Feeling blessed.
Life is a blessing!
If nothing else comes my way I stand thankful for breath & spirit.
I will find my courage, and I know that someday that which my heart longs for will be fullfilled.

my love story.

There is something deep inside me
Something that would love to believe that which i see
But I am cautious...I will never trust so easily again.
This is why my heart is steel.
it once was a clear shiny bubble ,
completely fragile and see through.
Now it is strong, true but unyeilding,
Only a true flame can soften and melt it.
I know this is possible, thre is one such person out there who has this ability. I know when the time is right I will find them and we will be whole together, this is my love story.

4-24-11 Hudson , MI

This or That

This or That april 24, 2011 ~ Hudson, MI


say this
say that
nowhere between
in the middle
made to fall
built to fly
sayit, whisper
shut your mouth
die to self
choose the free
go the distance
heat the doubt
ni direction
on a path
make a way
give them way
all for nothing
stand for something
cheating death
live by choice
freedom lives
as freedom dies
no regrets
all in vain
here I stand
make a choice pivot time
my heart erase


by Christine R. Stevens

Guitar is love.

Here he is, my new man....bought him yesterday, wanted to buy him the day before but the local shop was closed. Saw him last week and instanly fell in love...you can't tell from the pic but he is a beautiful wood grain red color, my fav color of course. I went into that shop last week to get Nate some drums sticks, saw it and saw the price and just couldn't justify it, but after thinking about it this week, and realizing the one i've been playing on isn't ever going to sound right since my kids damaged the neck, I needed a new one. I bought a case to put him in,...he has no name as of yet, maybe soon when I am inspired. I start lessons next week <3

untitled (atm)

the void that once was is no longer
its passed me by, it once consumed me
eager for every step I took
for so long, ive waited
not really knowing it was
lost, wandering
I still travel the road
but things are different
for once , ive got the compass
it is gold, shiny, powerful
treasure in my hand
hope in my heart of someday finding
that which my heart has longed so desperately for
i know it is somewhere
this steel cannot keep me from it
as cold as it has become
ill never stop believing
wanting
wishing
hoping
and seeking it.
i feel new, and im almost ready

I see the light ~Lyrics

All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know
If she's here it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog is lifted
And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you, now that I see you

i heart this.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat, or will stay awake to watch you sleep, wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you're just in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who thinks that you're just as pretty without make-up on, one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you...The one who turns to his friends with a smile and says, "She's the one!"
(~unknown)

yep, i ate it.

I just ate a huge cheeseburger and fries...and i dont feel one bit sorry or guilty about it ;)

Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven

I love this song.